Clueless in Bristol
This is a dating installment in the twenty race series. Some runners are single, some single runners are men, some men are clueless when it comes to women, read on and learn from Guido's day in court how to act faster when encountering the fairer sex.
The Bristol Rhode Island 22nd Annual Hangover Classic 5 Miler
January 1, 2007
The scene was the old Weary Traveler Lodge bar room in Bourne, Massachusetts, 1/07/07 after the fun run.
On trial was the accused; Coach Guido.
The crime; failing to stick around after the race, to woo the muse "Runner Y ".
"All rise for the honorable Judge Gail Martin " and
"This dating court is now in session" the bailiff Mike Tammaro recited.
Judge Martin appeared at the door then took her seat behind the bar. She pulled loose a hair band and her luxuriant blond hair fell around her tanned face before setting in a cold stare at the accused with her keen blue eyes. She looked fantastic in her tight jog bra...and she knew it.
The shapely, drop-dead gorgeous brunette prosecuting attorney Runner X looked particularly vengeful in extracting the truth. She has dressed to kill in a little black number that would make young men tremble and old men weep.
Note: the names Runner X and Runner Y have been changed to protect their identity.
Guido's defending attorney was Dave Martin with two days of stubble on his chin, still hung over from a twelve hour shift at the firehouse. He was seated at the bar and particularly interested in not missing the Patriot’s televised Wild Card game with the Jets quickly approaching.
Guido, handsome, debonair, and nattily attired sat squirming on his barstool, knew that justice would not be served this day.
The prosecuting attorney Runner X rose and began her examination.
"I call the accused Coach Guido to the bar"
Guido, grim faced stood.
“Do you swear to drink the beer, the whole beer, and nothing but the beer?” The stern-faced bailiff Tammaro growled.
“I Do” Guido responded and took his seat.
"Is it true that you made plans to meet Runner Y at the Bristol Hangover Classic to get to know her better?” Runner X politely asked.
"Yes" Guido replied, unsure of where this was leading.
"Did you see her there?” Runner X went on.
"Yes" Guido said looking down at his running shoes.
"Was she the most beautiful and desirable woman there?” Runner X said still smiling politely.
"Objection, your honor", the defending attorney Martin said, rising from his barstool straightening his race number, "What's my clients perception of her appearance have anything to do with it?"
"Overruled" Judge Gail shot back "He was there to meet a woman, it sets the tone for the whole encounter".
"Yes, Yes she was" Guido stammered.
The Prosecutor Runner X, emboldened by the thought of having the judge on her side, dug in deeper: “Did you embrace her or attempt to kiss her upon greeting her?”
“Objection, your honor!” Attorney Dave shouted, leaping off his barstool”.
“Overruled” Judge Gail cut him off. “This is pertinent to see if they were really attracted to each other”.
Attorney Dave gave Guido a shake of the head indicating he was powerless to control the examination, besides the Pre-game show was on.
“Answer the question Guido” Judge Gail ordered.
“Yes, I came up to her in the parking lot as she got out of her car, I was unsure at first, I offered my hand, she accepted it and I put my left arm around her shoulder” Guido replied.
“I see, so she didn’t hold your gaze?” Runner X inquired.
Guido looked furtively at his attorney for help, but Dave was absorbed into the Patriot’s Pre-game show on TV at that point ignoring the proceedings.
“Well, yes, as I approached her, our eyes met but as we got closer and shook hands we both kinda turned towards the entrance of the VFW Hall and I put my arm around her.
“And was she happy to see you? How did she act? What were you feeling? Runner X began firing questions at a befuddled Guido.
"I, I, yes, she was genuinely happy to see me, She had a radiant smile despite the rain falling. I was drawn to her like a bee to a flower” Guido responded.
“Did she at least offer her cheek for a polite peck?” Runner X inquired.
Guido again looked to his attorney, but only saw Dave roll his eyes as he stared at the TV.
“She might have” Guido stammered.
Listening intently to this point, Judge Gail peered down at Guido and said: “She might have?You mean to tell me you don’t know when a woman wants to be kissed?”
Sweating profusely know, at once Guido knew what the women were getting at. Guido looked at his attorney who was still watching TV silently snickering with a big grin on his face. Guido was alone at the mercy of these two powerful women. Ambushed, caught in their crossfire.
“As I put my arm around her...she playfully nestled into my shoulder... she did have her angelic face tilted up... as if to accept a kiss” Guido fondly recalled in a moment of clarity.
At that instant, Runner X and Judge Gail locked eyes, Dave turned away from the TV craning his neck to see what was going to happen next.
“Permission to approach the bar, your honor” the prosecutor Runner X announced standing, Dave stood too.
The two attorneys approached the corner of the bar opposite Guido and Judge Gail leaned in.
Runner X was the first to speak, looking the Judge, shaking her head incredulously and smiling “He could...have had his way with her...right then!”
The Judge had a wicked smile on her face and looked at Guido’s attorney saying “What a dope, the two of them should have been back at her house canoodling instead of chasing each other around a cold rainy 5 mile road course”.
Dave could only smile.
Judge Gail was ready to make a ruling and announced “Please return to your barstools, Guido, you may step down”
Guido stunned at the turn of events, hearing their stage whispers, putting two and two together…too late.
Judge Gail banged her beer bottle against the bar and began her ruling: "Guido, there is no need to go any further. Based on your testimony before this barroom today it is clear you’re clueless when it comes to women and you are hearby sentenced to several more dates before you can even think of canoodling with this woman.”